Light It Up

  I've said it before, I'll say it again. I wish music was visible as waves of light...or just visibles waves in general but I suppose to be visible they must be made of light. How fantastic would it be to litterally be able to see music. to be surrounded by it. to be able to dance around in it's colors. Music is so emotionally moving anyway, can you imagine how much more spectacular it would be if you could see it in colorful waves of brilliance?! It is a privilege confined to my daydreams, but what a dream it is!

The View Behind the Closed Door

  Have you ever made a plan in your mind of how you thought a situation or maybe even just life in general would go? Confession. I do. I get very focused on my plan and variations aren't always readily accepted. Not that I can't, I just am slow about switching gears. I recently had a situation that warranted the phrase "That door has closed" but it was particularly difficult to accept it. As I was fighting with God and myself about it, I got this picture in my head of myself standing with my nose an inch from the door screaming for it to be open. Have you ever stood that close to a closed door? Your view is....door. What was on the other side of the door was a great view, but it wasn't mine. All I could see was a closed door. I might be in a room full of other open doors, with even better views but I can't see those. I was too busy looking at the door, the closed door.

Flo 3.0

 There is always a better version of yourself available to you. That's kind of my motto lately. Over the winter I have worked to reinvent myself. Not "change" so much as "improve". There is a difference. I think that sometimes we limit our own growth and evolution because we scream "it's just the way that I am" or "accept me for me". Don't get me wrong you are you and you should not change that; however I think we are too quick to define ourselves by our short comings, and instead of confronting them we hide behind excuses.  Just because you are impatient by nature does not mean that this is not an area that you are not capable of growing in.

  I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. There are some things about me that I can't change (and to be honest these are the ones that we have the hardest time accepting and the ones, that usually we are most preoccupied with) and things that I can. I have the face that I have. Fact. And unless I want to look like Micheal Jackson or Joan Rivers I need to accept that as something that I can't change and roll with it. I can't change my body but I can work out and eat healthy to make sure that my body is the best version that it can be. I don't bake. That is until one day when I decided that I was going to learn.

You can upgrade yourself by finding things in your self that you want to change. It's not immediate. It's not overnight. It does, however, make a difference.

Inside the Upside

*Sigh*  Life. Sometimes... most of the time, rather, I don't understand. My autumn has been a puzzle that is completed save the piece that no one can find, almost perfect. But that one piece draws all the attention. I can't see or enjoy the all the pieces that I do have together because I am obsessed with the one that I'm missing.

I struggle with writing my own story. I forget where I am, perhaps because I forget where I've been. I tend to live an anxious thought of tomorrow rather than in the daylight of today. I waste entire days worrying about tomorrow, next week,next year, never. (How do you even worry about never?) I have this insatiable need to understand everything. To some degree it is a good thing because inquisitiveness fuels creativity and knowledge but some things don't need to be understood and sometimes can't be understood. I find myself so focused on understanding my proverbial tomorrow that I waste all of yesterday's tomorrows. There is such beauty in living in the moment, in today, that I just seem to miss.

 Take a moment. Look for the piece later. Enjoy the almost completed puzzle.

Forget Me Forget Me Not

Ever have mornings where you wake up thinking about someone else who's having a hard time, and suddenly it dawns on you that life just isn't about you? Not that I haven't had similar thoughts on many occasions prior to this one, but time and life both happen and these little revelations get lost in the shuffle. I must say that I have had a rather eventful summer with both good and bad ventures; thinking back , however, my thoughts and even a majority of my actions were consumed with myself. My thinking as of lately has been focused on my job and long term future. Which in and of itself is a good thing. It shows responsibility and a vested interest in my business. However a tragic event took place last week, and as most of those tend to do they get you thinking about what matters most in life. When I die it would nice to have people say that I had a successful career yada, yada, but more than anything that finances could accomplish I would like to have have it said of me that I had an effect people ,and not in an egotistical way of "Hey look at all these people that I helped" but rather for the peace of mind knowing that I didn't waste my life. That I did make a difference. I'm not looking to change the world I just want to help someone in it.And I have found that It is very difficult to see someone else's problem when the only thing I see is me.

I Can't See My House From Here

Oh the advice that my current self could give to my past self! How unfortunate it is to think that you're floating on cloud nine, only to find that you were lost in a fog, barely off the ground. The emotional roller coaster that doubled as my summer is over, but that sick feeling that lingers long after you've taken an ill-advised ride is still there. In amusement park imagery I am the green faced kid who was taken in by the allure of the adrenaline rush sitting blankly on a park bench waiting for the sick feeling to pass. I am not a fan of roller coasters in general but I have been coaxed into riding a few, and my reactions are always the same. I get to the top and in the moment when up is deciding to go down, there is a pause. In that pause, I never look around to enjoy how pretty the view it is from the top; I look down because after reaching the pinnacle there is no where to go but down.

  I had that moment this summer. It seemed too good to be true, and as with anyone taken in by that idea I thought that I had found the exception to that rule. To be honest even from the begining I had this thought that someone was gonna pop out from somewhere and say "Suprise! It's just a joke." I played it off as a misplaced pessamistic thought. Or at the very top of the best day thinking that this good feeling can't last just like the roller coaster at the pinnacle there is no where to go but down. And quickly the latter half of my summer went down.

 Basically I carbo-loaded day dreams on top of an already steady diet of blind hope and with a stomach sickly full I took the plunge. I had convinced myself that this was everything that I wanted to the point that I had blinded myself from all the warning signs and red flags that appeared from start to finish. And when the coaster tipped itself downward those beautiful dreams that were so sweet just moments before now become painful reminders of what I did wrong. So as I sit on the bench in the shadow of my summer ride; being somewhat grateful for the green hue to my face that hides the red glow of embarrassment, I recount the lessons learned and prepare myself for what comes next.



 

Fairy Tale Love

I was in the middle of doing a mindless task and for one reason or another I decided to debate in my head why I didn't believe in fairy tales. I must be one heck of a debater because I changed my own mind on the matter.

I think the reason that fairy tales get a bad name is because people talk about and remember the good part of the story or "happily ever after". But as I got to thinking fairy tales, disregarding dragons, princesses, and knights in shining armor, are a lot like reality. They have broken families, death of loved ones, messy roommates, guys with more inner beauty than outer( and the inner is sometimes even lacking), people that make your life miserable, tricky situations, and big obstacles (though most of ours aren't fire breathing); just a lot of stuff that seems very normal.

To address "happily ever after", happiness is a choice. I really think that it's safe to assume that if there were problems in the kingdom before they got married, that there will be problems in the kingdom after they get married; they'll just face them together.

So if you were to ask me if I believed in fairy tales, I would explain it just as I have here and say "Yes, I do."