Inside the Upside

*Sigh*  Life. Sometimes... most of the time, rather, I don't understand. My autumn has been a puzzle that is completed save the piece that no one can find, almost perfect. But that one piece draws all the attention. I can't see or enjoy the all the pieces that I do have together because I am obsessed with the one that I'm missing.

I struggle with writing my own story. I forget where I am, perhaps because I forget where I've been. I tend to live an anxious thought of tomorrow rather than in the daylight of today. I waste entire days worrying about tomorrow, next week,next year, never. (How do you even worry about never?) I have this insatiable need to understand everything. To some degree it is a good thing because inquisitiveness fuels creativity and knowledge but some things don't need to be understood and sometimes can't be understood. I find myself so focused on understanding my proverbial tomorrow that I waste all of yesterday's tomorrows. There is such beauty in living in the moment, in today, that I just seem to miss.

 Take a moment. Look for the piece later. Enjoy the almost completed puzzle.

Forget Me Forget Me Not

Ever have mornings where you wake up thinking about someone else who's having a hard time, and suddenly it dawns on you that life just isn't about you? Not that I haven't had similar thoughts on many occasions prior to this one, but time and life both happen and these little revelations get lost in the shuffle. I must say that I have had a rather eventful summer with both good and bad ventures; thinking back , however, my thoughts and even a majority of my actions were consumed with myself. My thinking as of lately has been focused on my job and long term future. Which in and of itself is a good thing. It shows responsibility and a vested interest in my business. However a tragic event took place last week, and as most of those tend to do they get you thinking about what matters most in life. When I die it would nice to have people say that I had a successful career yada, yada, but more than anything that finances could accomplish I would like to have have it said of me that I had an effect people ,and not in an egotistical way of "Hey look at all these people that I helped" but rather for the peace of mind knowing that I didn't waste my life. That I did make a difference. I'm not looking to change the world I just want to help someone in it.And I have found that It is very difficult to see someone else's problem when the only thing I see is me.

I Can't See My House From Here

Oh the advice that my current self could give to my past self! How unfortunate it is to think that you're floating on cloud nine, only to find that you were lost in a fog, barely off the ground. The emotional roller coaster that doubled as my summer is over, but that sick feeling that lingers long after you've taken an ill-advised ride is still there. In amusement park imagery I am the green faced kid who was taken in by the allure of the adrenaline rush sitting blankly on a park bench waiting for the sick feeling to pass. I am not a fan of roller coasters in general but I have been coaxed into riding a few, and my reactions are always the same. I get to the top and in the moment when up is deciding to go down, there is a pause. In that pause, I never look around to enjoy how pretty the view it is from the top; I look down because after reaching the pinnacle there is no where to go but down.

  I had that moment this summer. It seemed too good to be true, and as with anyone taken in by that idea I thought that I had found the exception to that rule. To be honest even from the begining I had this thought that someone was gonna pop out from somewhere and say "Suprise! It's just a joke." I played it off as a misplaced pessamistic thought. Or at the very top of the best day thinking that this good feeling can't last just like the roller coaster at the pinnacle there is no where to go but down. And quickly the latter half of my summer went down.

 Basically I carbo-loaded day dreams on top of an already steady diet of blind hope and with a stomach sickly full I took the plunge. I had convinced myself that this was everything that I wanted to the point that I had blinded myself from all the warning signs and red flags that appeared from start to finish. And when the coaster tipped itself downward those beautiful dreams that were so sweet just moments before now become painful reminders of what I did wrong. So as I sit on the bench in the shadow of my summer ride; being somewhat grateful for the green hue to my face that hides the red glow of embarrassment, I recount the lessons learned and prepare myself for what comes next.



 

Fairy Tale Love

I was in the middle of doing a mindless task and for one reason or another I decided to debate in my head why I didn't believe in fairy tales. I must be one heck of a debater because I changed my own mind on the matter.

I think the reason that fairy tales get a bad name is because people talk about and remember the good part of the story or "happily ever after". But as I got to thinking fairy tales, disregarding dragons, princesses, and knights in shining armor, are a lot like reality. They have broken families, death of loved ones, messy roommates, guys with more inner beauty than outer( and the inner is sometimes even lacking), people that make your life miserable, tricky situations, and big obstacles (though most of ours aren't fire breathing); just a lot of stuff that seems very normal.

To address "happily ever after", happiness is a choice. I really think that it's safe to assume that if there were problems in the kingdom before they got married, that there will be problems in the kingdom after they get married; they'll just face them together.

So if you were to ask me if I believed in fairy tales, I would explain it just as I have here and say "Yes, I do."